Some Context
What you will read below is something I wrote to myself, to sort through some emotions and remind myself of what I know to be true; an exercise to keep me sane, as I like to say. But after rereading some of what I’d written, I thought that I might not be the only one going through a struggle like mine. And, perhaps I’m not the only one who will benefit from some of the reminders offered in response.
Because this is something I originally wrote to myself, it does contain some quirks which are unique to the way I talk to myself. The strangest of these is perhaps the way I phase through different pronouns. When I talk to myself in my head, I will use ‘I’ when expressing more emotional or unfiltered thoughts, use ‘you’ when contending with, reprimanding, correcting or encouraging myself, and will sometimes use ‘we’ when various “aspects” of my mind or personality all agree on a certain thought. It’s not especially consistent, however. Perhaps you’re wondering why I’ve chosen to explain this rather than simply fixing it for the publicized version. Sure, it’s a risky move, but I think it will be helpful for readers like yourself to have some indication of when the thinking switches from “this is how I feel” or “these are the specifics of my situation” to the more general advice that I’m hoping will encourage you as well as me. Also, I think it’s kind of funny. So while the ‘you’s written below were originally aimed at myself, and maybe that’s something you should keep in mind if any of it feels too pointed, I think it’s reasonable to read them in their ordinary sense as well.
Ok, without any more logistics, I wish you happy and helpful reading.
The Rant and My Response
I’ve been seriously struggling with confidence issues lately, especially as it concerns writing.
- The Feedback I’ve Been Getting
A couple significant things have contributed to this condition. First (because it was on my mind today, not because it was necessarily the first to arise or even the most significant contributor), I’m frustrated because I can’t get my loved ones to read my writing. At least, that’s how it feels sometimes.
Now, I have a lot of reasons why I haven’t felt the need to view this as a problem before now. When I say “loved ones who nonetheless don’t read my writing”, three people immediately come to mind, and there are generally good reasons why these people don’t read a significant portion of my writing. But, on reflection they make interesting case studies, and I have much more personal insights into why they aren’t reading, as opposed to more distant acquaintances or faceless readers who might not bother to tell me such things.
Case study1, for all of her affection and genuine interest in my creative endeavors, is overflowing with interests to pursue by nature and much more used to listening to stories at this point. Besides which, she’s keeping herself pretty busy these days, and has set for herself as a high priority the deepening of her understanding of the scriptures, something I wish to support. That she’s also expressed concern over my intentions of creating a creativity-based career is only natural, given our relationship and her own experiences, and does not necessarily have to be a reflection of her assessment of my current skills.
Case study2 read some of my earlier works in very rough forms, which has probably soured her view of my stories as a whole, but even so she does me the favor of reading my stories when she can, and that despite being the busiest person I know and already possessing an endless reading list of her own. I also recognize that she isn’t really my target audience for a large percentage of my stories up until recently. But perhaps, as I lean more and more into stories that emphasize beauty and truth and are aimed at people already looking for more of that, she’ll be better able to enjoy my writing.
Case study3 is extremely appreciative of my writing skills as they contribute to our mutual creative endeavor. But she’s expressed little interest in reading any of my other work. Even in the beginning, when I said I wrote stories, she basically just took my word for it, and I was brought on board after displaying my skills directly through my advice on her early chapters. For that matter, I’ve never seen or heard her read anything, beyond art books. As far as I can tell, she never reads for pleasure, and only commits to read books whose direct value to her she is immediately convinced of. That actually makes her extra useful as a reader who has to be hooked right away. I bet running hooks by her would sharpen my skills in that area, but I shouldn’t expect to ever get her hooked on my novels. Then again, I don’t recall inviting her to read more than one or two things, and one was probably too long and didn’t hook her well, and the other she seemed to praise even if she didn’t want to illustrate it herself.
Taken in sum, reasons like “has other reading priorities”, “is too busy”, “isn’t the target audience”, “is a picky eater of a reader”, are things outside of my control and certainly not unique to the people in mind, while “just doesn’t feel invited to read”, “didn’t get hooked”, “are the target audience but they don’t connect to the story” and “shouldn’t see something until it’s got a certain level of polish” are things that I need to work on.
If I cast the net of “loved ones” wider, to “people who I know and love”, there are people who have no interest in my writing, people who will read a little of my writing, and people who express some interest in my writing. The problem with this circle is that I immediately lose most or all sense of safety. Frankly, writing is such a personal, messy experience that there isn’t a single person on this planet that I don’t think twice about showing it to, and the less a person already knows about me, the worse it gets. But, the whole point of writing is to reach people that I don’t know that well, to express ideas and encourage debate and internal dialogue. Here’s where a bit of the pep talk comes in. Is fear holding you back? Is it fear over how people will view you, how they’ll challenge or mock your ideas, abilities, and intentions? Is the main reason you view them as different from “the world at large” because they already know something about you and have direct access to you, to express their opinions as they wish? But as soon as you reach out to “everyone”, you’ve made yourself accessible to “everyone”, in a very personal way. This wider circle isn’t that different, really, and that’s what makes it valuable, even if that also inherently comes with the expectation of rejection and frustration. You can’t expect everyone in the world to like your writing. Even Tolkien, of all people, has his critics. Further, beyond the few people in the world of whose affections you are certain, you simply can’t expect the people of your acquaintance to be eager to read your writing unless it speaks to them in some way. That is certainly an area you can keep improving on. By the same token, aren’t there already some people who enjoy reading what little they get access to? You write for them too, don’t you? Is it even fair to deny them access, just because they aren’t the “wide audience” I’m hoping for, or because they’re sure to give me feedback, only some of which I feel ready to hear?
If you’re going to be a writer, you need to have a spine. Their feedback, however hard to hear at times, is invaluable to your continued growth as a writer and proof, in and of itself, that your writing did reach those people in some way. They wouldn’t have anything at all to say if they weren’t interested.
- Isolation
Another thing that’s clearly been messing with my emotional health lately is my sense of isolation. Despite my regular phone calls with all three of the above mentioned loved ones, my sweet church and the fellowship meals, and my evenings with the local networking guru, taiko practice, and the chorus group, I still get back to my house and feel oppressed by its emptiness (perhaps in more than one sense). This leaves me feeling unlovable, and that makes me reluctant to share anything, least of all my ideas. But you’ve already been around this block before, Rayanne. You know that not sharing is a truly foolish response to being alone, as the only thing this achieves is more loneliness.
You have to be open to real interaction to receive real connections, and no one who hasn’t seen who you really are is genuinely fond of you, anymore than they can intimately hate you. You know better than your childhood self. You’ve learned to share, to always or at least often seek those opportunities to be vulnerable, so that genuine connection can blossom. But perhaps the writing front and the husband front are the two new stepping stones, goals a little past what you’ve achieved up until now. If so, you have to brace yourself for the challenge, commit to those goals, and find the little steps that will lead you further forward. Those goals are certainly not being served by giving up and being cagey in your daily life. Be brave, and be patient. And remember that you aren’t alone. You do have loved ones, and people you’ve connected with in Japan and America who are fond of you, and God is by your side 100 percent of the time, and He loves you and is always guiding you to greater godliness and deeper connection. We were made for those purposes, after all.
- The Challenges of Writing
Finally, I’ve been struggling because writing itself is hard. I have a vision for certain stories, and in some cases I’m just not sure it’s working out, and with others it seems I’m completely missing the mark. Backstreeter, in particular, has been so messy. Is that because the original idea I had for it was ill-formed? Immature? Overly ambitious? Did I run into such trouble because I set myself to bang out a complete first draft of my first full length novel in just one year? Is that why I spent the next 6-9 months figuring out the biggest problems with the story and the 6 months since trying to fix them, which has become a 2nd and now a 3rd attempt to rewrite the whole thing? Was I naïve in imagining that having gotten a 1st draft together it wouldn’t require rewriting, just editing here and there? Yes, by all accounts and my experiences here, yes. That was terribly naïve. Now more than ever, I understand why a writer’s writing speed, consistent work ethic, and commitment to the long term is important to their overall success. And it’s become clear to me after hearing advice from various corners that the project certainly is ambitious, but are they stretch goals or pipedreams? We’re inclined to think it’s the former.
It has to be admitted that you’ve committed to a steep learning curve, and in typical fashion you’ve been trying to surmount it by your onesie. It’s been hard to learn to take feedback. It’s been hard to learn how to query. It’s been hard to learn how to process rejection. It’s been hard to learn how to take the fruit of a year and a half of work and toss most of it in the bin. It’s been hard to write day in, day out, even when you feel like you’re just spinning your wheels, when you feel worn out and worn down, when you feel like you have nothing of value to say, when you feel like you’re just shouting into a void, and when you feel utterly unequipped to handle the hopes and challenges you’re reaching for.
But, you’ve been learning. You’ve made progress. You’re better at writing than you were 2 years ago. You can handle more than you could before. You’re braver than you were before. You know more, and you know more people to ask when you don’t have the answers. It’s not as though there’s absolutely nothing to show for these last 2 years. Just as you can see and travel towards the mountains, only to find at the end of a day of walking that they seem no nearer than at the start, so you’ve set your goals very high and faithfully walked on paths you are confident will eventually lead to satisfaction, but it may yet be a while before you’re able mark your progress by the size of the mountains. For now, it’s better to find satisfaction in the road you’ve walked today, because you can be sure that wise paths produce good fruit in time.
In other words, if I really want to be a writer, I have to have the character of a writer. I must be tough, self-controlled, brave, faithful, patient, gentle, loving and wise. And it’s ok to have a little confidence, not because people tell me it’s great, or because I’m just that special, or because every goal I set is reached in a timely fashion, but because I made the call to follow this path, and I’ve stuck with it, and I’m making progress, and ultimately I’m not the one who gives true meaning to what I accomplish. For,
“The plans of the heart belong to a person,
But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.
All the ways of a person are clean in his own sight,
But the Lord examines the motives.
Commit your works to the Lord,
And your plans will be established.
The Lord has made everything for its own purpose,
Even the wicked for the day of evil.”
“The mind of a person plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.”
and…
“The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the Lord.”
(Proverbs 16:1-4, 9, and 33, NASB)
I’m not just writing because it makes me happy. I’m writing because I think God has purposed to use me in it, because I believe He’s given me what I really need to succeed in it, and it has the potential to reach so many more people than my not so impressive social skills do. So straighten your neck and keep writing.
And to everyone reading this, straighten your neck and keep striving.
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