It’s become a popular practice to advertise one’s weaknesses. It is said that it helps people feel closer together, enables what might otherwise have been strangers to share meaningful encouragement, and provides some support to people who aren’t ready to admit to or talk about their own struggles to learn helpful tips, feel understood, or open up in time. Personally, I’ve always considered the practice to be at least a little dangerous. Sharing failings and weaknesses with close friends in the hopes of receiving sympathy and advice is one thing, but making such things public seems more like celebrating it, or suggesting that such things are significant parts of my personality, neither attitude of which leads to wise or productive results. So, given the option, I’d much rather create the illusion of a trouble-free existence or a lifetime of overcoming obstacles leading ever upward.
However, I didn’t really think too hard about it when I decided to do a series sharing my poetry. It seemed like a great way to get into the rhythm of blogging without overwhelming myself with constant content production. But as I’ve mentioned before, much of my poetry comes out of places of pain, struggle and confusion. Further, for many years poetry was one of a very short list of opportunities to be really honest; especially about my emotions, because I had a poor relationship to them. Thus, I find myself sharing far more about my mistakes and dark places than I would ordinarily allow. The real irony being that sharing those things I’d so carefully hidden was what enabled me to begin breaking the bad habit of hiding everything.
So, while I readily admit that I don’t want you to think of me as weak or foolish, I also admit that I have emotional days, there have been dark days, and there have been times when I just didn’t know what to do. When you read the poem below, you’ll see all of this. I hope that you also find in this poem the unspoken message that no matter how dark today may seem, no matter the pain or the cage you face, hope, freedom and light are waiting for you when you’re ready to grasp it. After all, they are the truth, not the horror stories you tell yourself.
Pain
I feel a howl coming on
As my soul attempts to burst
The hole in me grows ever larger
The abyss that holds my hurt
Weak in the knees I tumble down
My throat constricts as though being squeezed
My head keeps creating tales of pain
And there is no end to this need
I want a way to free myself
A way to cry without shame
I want a god to keep me safe
And somebody, anybody, to call my name