I was roughly 14 when I was introduced to the idea that the way a girl sees herself in the mirror may change from day to day based not on minute changes actually occurring on the face, but based largely on how she may feel about herself that day, or the emotional state she is in at that moment. The timing may have been unfortunate, but the information inspired me look for this phenomenon within myself. Was it there all along, or did I notice it only when the pattern was explained to me? One could drive themselves crazy asking such questions, but suffice it to say that it took neither much time, nor much effort, to spot this exact pattern on a moment to moment basis.
My mind being, by this point, well trained in the art of introspection, I had to laugh at myself. Why should a certain thought or emotion completely change what I was able to see in the mirror? But the snark did nothing to change the fact that when I felt afraid, I looked ill or ugly or scary in the mirror, and when I felt I’d succeeded at something, suddenly my reflection might as well be immortalized and hung on a wall for all the joy it gave me. Where did this young, beautiful and confident girl come from, and where did she go when I wasn’t so pleased with myself? Was it my eyes or my face or simply my mind that was changing?
I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter where the changes come from, or indeed where they disappear to, so long as I took to heart the lessen that what my eyes told me could be as subjective and inaccurate as any other sense. By all means, believe only what you see, so long as you still take a healthy dose of skepticism along with it. Does this attitude leave you wondering where I get my sense of security, my sense of reality, from? Not to worry, I’ve got a book for that. And no, I definitely didn’t write that one.
The following poem captures both my acceptance of the strange reality of subjective vision, and my confidence in the reality described to me through God’s word. It was written as a song to music, which I may or may not post as a YouTube video at a certain point. For the time being, I hope you derive hope and confidence in positive change within yourself as you read the lyrics.
When I’m lost inside my mind
When I feel I’m out of time
When I need better today
I can know, You’ll find a way
When my heart is dark with sin
And I won’t let a soul in
In my blackest time I know
Seeds of change You’ll sow
You’re changing me
Every day your praise I’ll sing
For You have made me
For a purpose I can’t see
When the day grows long
With the list of things gone wrong
I won’t lose to pain
I’ll believe you once again
For the face I see
In the glass today
Having seen your majesty
Will never be the same
I have made this mess
Can’t really blame stress
My foolish heart has walked away
And I’m in the pit again
I’ve no power to make me new
But I refuse to look at you
Still your gentle hand pulls me
Out of self-inflicted misery
You’re changing me
Every day Your praise I’ll sing
For You have made me
For a purpose I can’t see
When the day grows long
With the list of things gone wrong
I won’t lose to pain
I’ll believe you once again
For the face I see
In the glass today
Having seen your majesty
Will never be the same
Beautifully expressed!